he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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