Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
