So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
