hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Randomize