i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
