thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
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I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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