Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I need to sanitize my soul.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
