if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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