Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
