DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
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