So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
