do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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