Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
