I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
