i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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