i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
