if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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