i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
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just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
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After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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