When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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