i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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