the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
