Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
