I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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