he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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