Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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