ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
You're like the curious george of whores
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
