the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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