good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I look better un-naked...
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
