woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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