New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
