I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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