hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
No subtext here. People are naked.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
