Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Can you bring me the toilet please
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Randomize
