mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
