At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Just high enough for therapy.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
