yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
