I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
How external is "for external use only"?
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
