I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
