I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
