By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
