I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
you didnt know i had herpes?
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
