Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
