First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
