i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
