i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Randomize
