Christians are straight up FREAKS
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
