im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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