If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Randomize
