did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
