listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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