Old men and throwing up are my life now.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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