Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Randomize
