I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
