I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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