We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
