When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Everclear isn't food dammit
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
