Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
